handcannoterase

All articles by handcannoterase

 

28th February 2015

You can come back if you want to but no one ever does. I told them I’m ready, it’s time to leave now.
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11th February 2015

How do you erase what was never there in the first place?
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10th February 2015

I realised today that I have not spoken a syllable to another human being (including myself) for a whole week, neither have I stepped outside of my front door. I spend hours watching nothing in particular from my window. The couple that live in the flat next door are arguing again, I never know what about,
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27th January 2015

I was woken up last night by the sound of the television coming from the next room. I sometimes fall asleep in front of my TV, but I surely wouldn’t have gone to bed without switching it off. I lay there for a while retracing my actions (brushed teeth, took sleeping pill, read..etc), but couldn’t figure it out at
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23rd January 2015

I am not the only island, there are a few others living here. Every Thursday I see the same man walk to the bus stop in a duffle coat and West Ham scarf, and return 2 hours later struggling with recycled grocery bags.  Perhaps I am the only one that sees him, hiding in plain sight.
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12th January 2015

I have a box of photographs, mostly family pictures, or from my time at college when I was briefly someone’s muse.  It’s been years since anyone took a photograph of me.  I don’t give in to nostalgia easily, but I do sometimes take the box out and lay the photos out around me while I
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4th January 2015

I am making my way up through the burned out shell of a building, floor after floor, room after room of decay and ashes. The wind blows through the empty corridors and stairwells, the carrion call of memory.  I am looking for something or someone.  Ghosts of people who were once here. “We are not lonely, because we chose to be alone.” “We are not lost,
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1st January 2015

Streets pretty deserted this morning, just me and the dog walkers. The detritus of the night before, and something else, I pick it up. A handwritten letter fluttering amongst the cans, bottles and fast food packaging. The ink has been washed away by the rain in places, and elsewhere parts have been crossed out. A love
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21st December 2014

I barely know my brother.  I know he has a wife and 2 children, but I have no idea if he’s happy or what is important to him, I never did, he never gave anything away. Maybe he learnt that from me.  I met his family once, the last time I went home for Christmas,
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17th December 2014

I know you are reading this J.
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12th December 2014

  “My Book of Regrets” Here we go again. It’s been so long since anyone called me on my phone I almost forgot I had one. That’s weird I thought, not even someone trying to sell me something. It was keeping me awake thinking about it so in the middle of the night I got
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2nd December 2014

Why do I still stay?  It gets harder and harder to answer that question.  I think the visitors ask me this, or maybe I just ask myself in my head, but sometimes over and over again like an anti-mantra.  I dream of the disappeared.  I dream of Sian Preston, Teresa Cavanagh, Jane Rimer.  I dream
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24th November 2014

Recently I’ve been haunting myself.  A few days ago I woke up some time in the middle of the night, but didn’t open my eyes for a long time, just lay there listening to the rain on the window. When I did open my eyes I was standing at the end of the bed just
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24th April 2014

Are you still following me? Someone is following me. We are a crowd of millions separated by concrete walls. Every day I watch the same people from the estate at the bus stop, and the same people on the bus on my way to and from work. They never talk to each other or interact
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8th July 2013


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28th March 2013

I found this on-line today. Lena Springer disappeared in 1876. Despite an intense search by police, she was never found. Her family always held out hope that the quiet but kindly girl would return. They waited years, eventually dying one-by-one still with the hope that their beloved Lena might come back. Long after all her
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3rd February 2012

Look for me and you will find me.
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2nd February 2012

Tonight it’s 2-tone night at The Hope and Anchor and the trumpet refrain from Ghost Town drifts across the estate like a sombre fog. Even though I have to work tomorrow I find I can’t sleep, so I end up watching the club-goers staggering out paralytic in the early hours, the 40-something are-you-looking-at-me brigade, still
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1st November 2011

The smell of burning leaves.  I’ve barely spoken 20 words in the last month.  It makes me even more uneasy when I don’t hear from the visitors for weeks on end.
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17th October 2011

Laika has disappeared.  She hasn’t been home for a week, I threw out her cat food today. That was another waste of time.  
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2nd October 2011

A list: ”Things that calm me”. I thought it would be easy but after half an hour there were just two things on it: 1. My cat 2. Cigarettes While doing this I opened my second packet today. Cigarettes calm me. Well, just for a few minutes, but it’s a start. Have they been back
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29th September 2011


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28th September 2011

They left me a book called “Key of Skeleton”, I’ve been reading it, but it’s hard to follow, and I’m constantly distracted by the old episodes of a cookery based game show that seem to run all day long every day on TV.  I’ve been watching it for weeks, and I don’t seem to have seen
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24th September 2011

They asked me to recall a time when I felt completely happy.  First I thought about my sister, but then I remembered a time when I was taking a train journey with my mother, I must have been about 4 or 5 years old. We were going to the seaside in Wales. It was a long
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11th September 2011

Regret is a very human impulse. At least I don’t imagine Laika has any regrets.  You have a million possibilities open to you, but in the end you need to make a commitment, or you stay in a holding pattern of indecision and nothingness forever. Perhaps I am too afraid of being haunted by the ghosts of
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20th June 2011

I watch Laika from the window stalking sparrows. Birds can be pretty stupid, I read that the cat moves its tail when it’s closing in on its prey, because the bird fixates on the part of the cat moving the most and thinks it still has a few more precious moments to feed before it needs to
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19th June 2011

You know the internet makes it even easier to be invisible J.?  You can pretend to be whoever you want to be, create whatever construct you want to pass off as your life and personality, and then erase it all with just a few clicks.  I think you would hate it, but who knows?  I
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5th June 2011

The streets are Marie-Celeste deserted, but the sky is more active than I have ever seen it before.  The light from the city usually makes it impossible to see the stars, but on a warm night like this I can take the bus to a place where everything is dominoes and chiaroscuro.  Still light that travels
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10th March 2011

After I finished painting tonight I couldn’t sleep, so I sat looking out the window. It was a cold but perfectly clear night. Sometimes I just gaze for hours at the cityscape stretching on forever in all directions, but tonight a couple arguing at the bus stop broke my reverie, so instead I watched some TV
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9th March 2011

They visited today.  Asked me strange questions, like “would you be missed, and if so, by who?”. I  figured it would most likely be the energy company, it’s been a long time since I had much contact with anyone including my family, they seemed happy with that. “Would you be missed, and if so, by whom?”
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5th March 2011

I’ve been trying to think of a name for my cat (how to refer to her majesty), but nothing seems right yet.
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4th March 2011

I adopted a cat!  Or I suppose with cats it’s always the other way around.  3 days ago I came home from my night shift in the early hours and there she was sitting outside my door, just looking like she was pissed at me for keeping her waiting. I was amazed how easy it
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20th May 2010

Against my better judgement I went to a party tonight, someone at work who I actually spoke to a few times, is leaving.  It’s surprising (to no one more than me), but I’m actually pretty good at parties.  While I’m making pleasant small talk you would never guess that in my head I’m simply biding my
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30th April 2010

Where do you go if you don’t belong anywhere?  If I wanted to run away then why come to the city?  Because this is the place to hide. This is the place to be invisible.  Anyone can be no one here, and I am someone that wants to be no one. I move from somewhere to everywhere to nowhere.
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2nd January 2010

One of my neighbours has been listening to the same song over and over since new year’s eve, “dance, dance, dance to the radio”.  I remember this song. I still have the mix tapes my sister made for me, but listening to them makes me too sad, so when I do feel like hearing music (less
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19th December 2009

Ok, so there was one person I got close to.  My one and only serious romantic relationship started during my second year at college.  He was a photographer, and of course he did all the pursuing, I wasn’t interested at first, but then I found I liked the idea of being both an artist and
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14th September 2009

The shocking thing is how easy it is to disappear if you really want to.  The whole process of hiding in plain sight started again at college.  Fulfil the minimum requirements, socialise just enough, be friendly but don’t make friends, have the occasional sexual dalliance but never give them anything they can fall in love
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8th September 2009

Despite my efforts to be completely invisible to other human beings, I found I couldn’t help but stand out when it came to drawing and painting, and no one was more surprised by this than I. Incredible to me and my family though it was, it turned out that I was a natural when it came
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12th August 2009

When I was 13 I had a sister for 6 months.She arrived one February morning, pale and shellshocked, from past lives I could not imagine. She was 3 years older than me, but in no time we became friends. We’d listen to her mix tapes; Dead Can Dance, Felt, This Mortal Coil… She introduced me
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11th January 2009

I managed to get through school without being noticed much. I was lucky that I was naturally bright enough to achieve acceptable grades with the minimum of effort. My parents showed mild curiosity when my school report arrived at the end of each year, but the teachers always said  basically the same thing; I was
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10th January 2009

Neither of my parents really had any idea what made their daughter tick.  I never once saw either of them read for pleasure, but I spent all my spare time devouring books and music. My father had a portable record player but only 2 records that I remember (a Sibelius symphony and a record of
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9th January 2009

No man is an island. Was that meant to apply to women too?  Because I feel like an island. From an early age I remember being alone, and quite liking it. When I had to mix with other children I found it hard to fit in, and I was easily bored.  I suppose that’s pretty
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15th October 2008

Yesterday I found an old notebook of stories and poems I wrote when I was 9 or 10 years old. In the front of the notebook it said “In the event of me becoming famous this must not be published!”.  I must have written that last part a few years later.  So why didn’t I just throw
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8th October 2008

30 years old today (Josef K was arrested on his 30th birthday).
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