2nd October 2011

A list: ”Things that calm me”.

I thought it would be easy but after half an hour there were just two things on it:

1. My cat

2. Cigarettes

While doing this I opened my second packet today. Cigarettes calm me. Well, just for a few minutes, but it’s a start.

Have they been back since?  I can’t remember, but I see the lights in the sky.  I don’t feel any better after they visit me.

Instead I think I should go to a doctor.

I swallow a couple of pills.  Laika jumps on to my lap, curls up and goes to sleep.

The ticking of the kitchen clock…. nothing else. The city sleeps beyond my window.  But the city never sleeps.

Looking out tonight I see lights in the sky. The lights become more, then less. Afterwards just the unholy glow of the city.  Ticking. Silence. And a growing feeling of warmth  inside me. I close my eyes. The warmth is wandering through my body, through my chest, into my mouth. My eyes are still closed and I’m not here anymore.

The night ends.

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